i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
