My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
