She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
