apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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