so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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