Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
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as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
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despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
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