Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
