is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
