i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
