And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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