just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
