Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
