my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
