between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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