so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
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I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
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I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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