Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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