I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
