if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
