Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I enjoy the company of your penis
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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