goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
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