everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
