I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
