You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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