Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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