i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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