Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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