she woke up with a sticky ear
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
