when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
