seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
