I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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