The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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