Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
