Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
why does every cop we meet know your name?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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