2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
