awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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