I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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