Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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