I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize
