Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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