I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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