you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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