It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
