Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I forgot wine drunk hurts
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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