If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
