My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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