Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
