i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Randomize
