I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Randomize
