You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
