wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
