Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
