Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
