I looked at my own cervix.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
