my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
