Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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