WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
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He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
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How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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