Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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