she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
