now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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