i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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