its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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