what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
