I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
