Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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